The Kidney Bean

     Many of you know that I had a miscarriage in April.  It was a surprise baby that slipped out of our hands as quickly as she entered.  One thing I encourage others to do when they experience loss, is attempt to find a reminder...a tradition..something to remember what was lost.  After my loss, a friend gave me a gift card to Amazon.  I decided to use it to buy something for myself that would be a reminder of this life.  At first I contemplated a tattoo, but after further thought, I realized that my mom would shun me or worse.  I opted for a small silver kidney bean on a necklace.  When I wear it, I am reminded of the life that was forming inside me and was lost too soon.  I named her "Lannie Ruth" because my elderly friend, Ruth Mobley, would joke that if it was a girl...we should name her that.  I went through many mind games after my miscarriage, one of which included blaming myself (should've seen  that as part of the grief process...but grief is a rascal that sneaks up on even the most savvy of us...even those off us that  are trained to know).  

    Funny thing though, is that when I told Andy about what my mental struggle was...he reminded me that I am "not the author and sustainer of life".  Yeah...that truth hit me hard.  Regardless of my choices, God is in charge of that.  So...I moved on from blame.  

     This morning at church, it has been almost 2 months and the miscarriage was not forefront in my mind...but someone asked me about it with the "How are you feeling" question.  Which brought it back to my attention.  AND...then God chose for me to sing "Waiting Here for You" by Christy Nockels during worship...yep, that is me...waiting on God to move the mountains, have his way in my heart...basically always waiting on him because He is where my life..well life in general comes from. 

   So there I am this morning, slapped in the face again by my loss and my dependency on Jesus...and someone notices my necklace.  To the untrained eye, my necklace could appear to be a small silver bead on a necklace. But to this particular gal, she picked up on it quickly.  "Is that necklace from Tiffany's" (FYI, no it is not...the closest I get to that kind of expense is the Neeman Marcus shirt that Mrs. Mobley gave me...to which I tell everyone it is from Neeman Marcus because it makes me feel special...and I say it with a sweet affluent accent...Neeeeemahn Mah-cus).  Anywho, she goes on to tell me that it is a Tiffany thing to have kidney bean necklaces. I did not know.

   Fast forward to this evening, I decided to look up the necklace on Tiffany's website.  I kid you not...te description was "the bean represents the origin of all things".  BOOYAH!   Thank you Jesus for the simple yet very intricate way you work our lives so that your message commes through loud and clear.  I am thankful that you are in charge of things and not me.  I am also thankful that you find the time to weave such details to remind me that you remember my loss.  And you are here to hold me through it.